Ways to kill DYLAN!
by catapilla1
Summary: I got bored and started thinking up random ways that I could kill Dylan with. Enjoy.
1. 1 to 25

**You know, I've been thinking (always a dangerous pastime) about ways to kill Dylan. I hate him, you hate him, and I think by now that JP even hates him for putting him in the books in the first place. I've been getting lots of reviews for my stories that involve punishing Dylan some way. People even loved the part in the beginning of Cross your Heart and Hope to Fly that Dylan was dead. I do too. Anyways, this is just a random list-fic. I'll probably add to it if I come up with more ways to kill him.**

**Claimer ****Disclaimer: I don't own Max Ride and thank god I don't own Dylan. Nor do I own the Mafia, Twilight or the date of 9/11**

25 ways to kill DYLAN!

Feed him to the erasers

Tie him to a chair and lure the M-Geeks to rip him apart bit, by bit –evil grin-

Tell him that you can fly with your wings behind your back and that you bet he can't do it. He then, because of his pride and need to be better than everyone else, will proceed to tie his wings behind his back. You then push him off a cliff and watch him go splat.

Tell Nudge that Dylan is going to send her to live with monks, so she can become one (and therefore take a vow of silence), and the only way to stop him is to kill him.

Tie Dylan to a chair and gag him and then tell Iggy to set up a bomb in the room and that the thing that he's hearing breathe in the room is actually a rouge Eraser

Tell the Mafia that Dylan is a double agent and he's threatening to sell their secrets to the FBI...

...or you could just shoot him yourself.

–for white-coats only- Create a virus that his body won't be able to heal and inject it into him

Chop off his wing in the middle of the night then take him out to the cliffs for his next flying lesson. I think you know what happens next.

Get Fang angry at him in a room full of sharp objects.

Get Fang angry at him in a room WITHOUT sharp objects

Just get Fang mad at him

Tell Gazzy to turn the TV remote into a bomb and the combination for it to explode is Dylan's favourite day-time TV show. Then get everyone but Dylan out of the house...quickly

Tell Dylan that his plastic-surgeon has died and he can't get another one for risk of losing their secret. Dylan will then die of a heart-attack.

Let the blind kid drive (though, that might result in ALL of you getting killed)

Give Gazzy baked-beans for breakfast and then leave Dylan alone in an air-tight space with no easy exits (such as an elevator) with him

Feed him Max's cooking

Tell the flock that Dylan is actually betraying them to the white-coats and they need to kill him before he does

Bribe Angel into making Dylan commit suicide

Fang and Iggy have LOTS of fangirls. Tell those fangirls that Dylan KILLED Fang and Iggy. Sit back to watch the show

Dylan is a vamp. And not one of those cool veggie-vamps from Twilight; he's the kind that's allergic to garlic and other random items. Give him some garlic bread and then some holy-water to wash it down.

Tell the Volturi that Dylan is going to tell everyone about the Vamps. Send the guard after him and that way you get the fun of watching Jane torture him before he's killed in brutally painful ways

Tell the American government that Dylan is the real terrorist behind the 9/11 attacks. He'll then probably get tortured, sent to prison where he'll challenge the toughest looking guy there and get beaten to a pulp and die

Take away all his hair and cosmetic products

Convince the _voice_ that Dylan is a better person to annoy-er, help. He'll then be driven into madness by the _voice_ and kill himself

**Well, that's the first 25 ways to kill Dylan I could think of. As I said, I'll probably add more as I think of ways to kill him, but don't expect me to update this fic any time soon. My brain has run dry of ways to kill Dylan in creative ways. I'll make you a deal: you send me some ideas, let you have the cred for them and post them up in new chapters for this. Sound good? Good.**

**-Catapilla1 signing out**


	2. 26 to 50

** my fellow fanfic fans! Are you ready for another 25 ways to kill Dylan? –crowd erupts with massive cheering- Alrighty then!  
Disclaimer: I don't own Megatron, my friends, the ways that people have sent in, the DA or Order of the Phoenix, the curse **_**Avada Kedavra,**_** Jeb, Roland ter Bortch, Ambrosia, Zeus or Demigods!**

26. Tell Max that Dylan stole her cookies

27. Tell Total that Dylan was thinking of putting Akila down ~Welsh Gem~

28. Read Iggy a note, laughing at him being blind and blame it on Dylan ~Welsh Gem~

29. Tell Max it was Dylan's fault that Fang left ~Welsh Gem~

29. Get Dylan to infuriate Megatron and watch him get blown to smithereens

30. Tell Fang that Dylan French-kissed Max against her will ~Mariabelle~

31. Just stab him

32. Tell Jeb that Dylan is actually an accomplice of Roland ter Bortch (Jeb's lover) trying to win over his heart for his master. Jeb will be so freaked out that he'll kill Dylan accidentally

33. Give Gazzy a wand and tell him to point it at Dylan and say _Avada Kedavra_

34. Tell the DA or the Order of the Phoenix that Dylan is actually Lord Voldermort in another form

35. Tell Dylan to land in the whomping willow ~my friend Chenice~

37. Give him a whole loaf of ambrosia and tell him to eat it all!

38. Get Dylan to steal Zeus' lightning bolt –he'll get zapped by Zeus or killed by half-bloods-

39. Get Hades mad at Dylan- not only will he be killed, but he'll also be sent to the fields of punishment

40. Learn to tie a noose and hang him in your bathroom and then blame it on Erasers...

41. OFF WITH HIS HEAD! (I think you get what I mean with this one)

42. ...again, you could just shoot him, but that wouldn't be very fun...

43. Go to JP's house and point a gun at his head until he kills Dylan in some way shape or form

44. ...if he brings Dylan back to life, like Ari, shoot JP and that would result in the end of Dylan...but also the end of the rest of the flock as well...

45. Burn the Max Ride books (but that again, would result in the end of the rest of the flock)

46. Send him on a shopping spree with my friends Maddy and Shannon!

47. Have him hang around me and my not-so-twin sister for a while (we're worse than Nudge in the talking department and we both hate him so he'll end up dead anyways)

48. Have Total ramble on to him about different wine selections and other boring stuff...in the end he'll die of boredom

49. Send him to war!

50. Have him get supplies at the fake-prop town that they test atomic bombs at

**So...that's another 25 ways to kill off Dylan! If you haven't already guessed: I really hate him. So yeah, R&R? Oh by the way, this fic will probably never end, it just be an endless list of ways to kill Dylan! Only if you guys help, though. Keep sending in suggestions!**


	3. 51 to 75

**OMF you guys are so awesome! I got lots of suggestions and I love them all! Thanks guys!**

51. Lower him into Lava ~stabbythings~

52. Bash his head in with a TV ~stabbythings~

53. –I've done this one before but people must not see it- feed him Max's cooking

54. Dress Dylan in meat and put him in a shark tank ~murder~

55. Use a machine gun ~murder~

56. Put an annoyed me in it... ~murder~

57. ...with a gun... ~murder~

58. ...or a chainsaw ~murder~

59. Give him a wedgie off the Eifel Tower with his wings strapped in and have the flock take pictures and leave him there for the rest of eternity ~Alexis Taylor~

60. Tell Fang that Dylan is trying to steal Max from him and sit back to watch the show ~lonewolfrox624~

61. –this one's my favourite- push Dylan into a tank filled with Portuguese Man o' War, let him get stung repeatedly for 5 minutes, pull him out, and repeatedly shock him with electricity. If he's still alive, make him drink a lot of antifreeze. He will die a slow, painful death. ~animalgirl127~

63. Cut him and make sure he's bleeding and dump him in a shark tank

64. At night, dye his hair black and when he wakes up, read him nonstop emo poetry. It'll be his own personal hell and in the end he'll just kill himself ~skellydoll~

65. Show him this list

66. Show Fang this list

67. Have Fang show Max this list (if you show her yourself, she'll probably just get pissed with you and kick your but, but if Fang shows her, she'll do any of them)

68. Introduce Dylan to Saint_Fang_of_Boredom. She hates Dylan as much as I do, so she'll probably do something mean and nasty to him

69. Make him stay in my little brother's room for ten minutes. It's like a toxic-waste dump in there!

70. Hey, you know those electrocuting chairs they use for torture? Well, put Dylan in one of those and _accidentally_ turn the strength up so he gets fried into bird-kid popcorn

71. Strap Dylan down and then have Nudge ramble on absolutely nothing until his brain turns to mush and his ears are on fire

72. Hulk Smash! (Yeah, that was random. I just felt like putting that there)

73. give him flying lessons at a hunting range during bird season

74. Stick a 'Kill me, I'm an idiot' sign on his back

75. If he rips that off, put another one on saying 'Kill me, I'm still an idiot'

**Hey, I've been thinking...you know all those people who kidnap the flock, just for their ANs? Well I realised that no one has kidnapped Dylan yet! People don't see the great opportunity they have just to torture him. So without further ado, people, put your hands together for...DYLAN!  
Dylan: -runs onto stage- YO PEOPLE! GIVE IT UP FOR THE DYLAN-MYSTER!  
-crickets chirp-  
Dylan: aw, no one loves me!  
Me: yeah Dylan, we all hate you. Hence this list. Oh, and if you die or try to kill yourself to get out of this, I have mystical powers to bring you back to life, just to kill you again! Its gonna be so fun!  
-Pokes Dylan-  
Dylan: hey, why are you poking me with a knife!  
Me: I'm not –hides knife behind back-**

**R&R?**


	4. 76 to 100!

**Me: hello! Oh, Dylly, I've got a surprise for you!**

**Dylan: ooh, what!**

**Steph: me! Catapilla's not-so-twin-sister!**

**Me: yeah! She's here to help torture you!**

**Steph & me: IT'S GONNA BE SO FUN!**

**Dylan: -gulps- crap...two hypo psychotic Catapillas...**

**Me: ooh! We've got another surprise for you! And all the readers!**

**Steph: THE NEXT 25 WAYS TO KILL DYLAN! YAY! :D**

76. Take him flying during a hurricane- he's a crappy flyer so he'll go splat against something

77. Tell Max Remmy that Dylan is actually a reincarnation of Mr Blue

78. Tell Emmett Cullen to wrestle with Dylan with all of his strength

79. Make him get a paper cut and so Jasper will attack him, and then Dylan's vamp boyfriend will leave town saying he doesn't love him, the Dylan will get depressed and jump off a cliff to go for a little night time flight and Alice will just see him jumping off the cliff and tell Dylan's boyfriend, and then Dylan's boyfriend kills himself, and then Dylan finds out and he kills himself too. \

80. Tell Percy Jackson that Dylan is Kronos in a mortal body. Pop some popcorn and watch the show ~a$h

81. You could try burying him alive under a pile of stereos that are all playing Justin bieber at full volume ~chaos59

82. Accuse him of a crime, and demand that he's sent to death row ~chaos59

83. take his bones and break them to dust and stretch his arms to hurt like hell and then shoot him many places but don't let him bleed out, then cut his legs up into little pieces and punch him in his pretty face till its deformed shoot him where it counts and then cut them out stab one eye out so he can still see what you are doing with the other put him on fire until his skin burns off then use salt water to put it out then destroy his internal organs rip out his bones then take out the other eye the use a boulder to smush his arms and last rip and squeeze his arms out after pouring acid in his lungs ~max keenan **(wow, she really hates Dylan...)**

84. Have psychotic sheep set loose on him ~Fang's Secret Girlfriend

85. Tell Angel he tried to rip up Celeste ~Fang's Secret Girlfriend

86. Expose Dylan to my little brother's dirty underwear

87. Expose Dylan to the torture that all teens go through known as _high school_

88. Get Dylan to do all of my homework and assignments **(honestly, I don't know why I'm still alive myself!)**

89. Set a fake meeting point right over the pentagon and tell him he has to meet the flock there. Those government guys are really paranoid...

90. Tell everyone about the _baa_ clone-code-word, except Dylan, so when you do a check, he won't say it and Max will beat the crap out of him and leave him to die

91. Tell Dr Martinez that Dylan is now dating Max and he's made it into an abusive relationship

92. Tell him to tell Alice that Abercrombie & Fitch and Gucci have banned her from buying any of their products.

93. Have a black dog follow him around everywhere he goes and then give him a book called _death omens_ with a picture of said dog on the front off it. Him, realising it's the grim will go mad and die of horror

94. push him in the water in the middle of the Antarctic with nothing but his underwear on and his hands and wings tied behind his back.

95. Dylan stole my cookies! HE'S GONNA PAY **(oh, btw, the lesson to this is DON'T STEAL MY COOOKIES! Dylan: -munches on cookies, oblivious-)**

96. Blow up all the candy/chocolate shops/factories in the world and blame it on Dylan

97. Have him go on Total Drama Island/Action/World Tour and make him eat chef's food

98. Tell him that his calling is to become a suicidal terrorist **(Lol...inside joke- remember it mads?)**

99. Spoil him so rotten that he'll become compost **(that doesn't make any sense... Dylan: you're the one writing it!)**

100. Do every single thing on this list to him- waking him from the dead every time- and he'll get so tired of dying, he'll die of boredom of dying

**Me: there ya have it! 100 ways to kill a homo-sapien/gallus gallus domesticus hybrid!**

**Dylan: a what?**

**Me: -rolls eyes-**

**Steph: a human-chicken hybrid**

**Dylan: who?**

**Me: do you wanna do the honors**

**Steph: sure. I'm just not sure which one I'll pick!**

**Me: umm...do number 83!**

**Steph: -grins manically- I knew there was a reason why you're my twin!**

**Dylan: what's going on...?**

**Steph: -walks up to Dylan- -brakes bones to dust, ...to slack to write the whole thing-**

**Dylan: -writhers in pain- -dies, **_**again-**_

**Steph & me: YAY!**

**Me: Review? Pretty please?**

**Steph: otherwise I'll do number 83 to all of you...**

**Me: oh, btw, the next chapter is a bonus chapter. It involves Dylan dying...a lot **


	5. BONUS!

**Me: so, this is the day Fang and a few of my friends meet up to kill Dylan! Depending on how well this bonus chapter does, I might write another one!**

**Dylan: so what friends are helping you**

**Me: well, there's Chancy (**_**the rose angel)**_**, my sis Steph, my friend Shaun is in it briefly, Amy (**_**teamjacobishot**_**), and even Iggy helps out for a bit!**

**Dylan: fine. We better get this over with...**

Fang was tired. Very tired. He had just flown over oceans and now he was on a random beach in Australia. He needed food, so he walked up to a green house with a white fence sitting just off the beach. It was a two story house, so he flew up to the open second-story window. When he looked around the room, he saw he was in a yellow bedroom, with pictures and paintings all over the walls, and a book-case packed with books. He ran out of the room and searched for a kitchen. Once he found it, he stuffed his face with food. He grabbed five massive packets of chips and stuffed them into his pack.

He decided to leave the way he came in, so he went back into the bright bedroom. Next to the window, there was a desk, with an open black netbook on it. Seeing as he left his laptop with the flock, and hadn't updated his blog in like, _forever, _he woke the computerand typed in the override password code.

He was greeted by a random word document. Up the top was the title: ways to kill Dylan. _Killing a guy named Dylan huh?_ Fang thought, _I'm in._ Suddenly, someone cleared their throat behind him. He whirled around to see a teenage girl with short brown hair and hazel eyes standing behind him, leaning on the wall.

"Took ya time, didn't ya Fang?" she said, amused. Fang was surprised that the girl knew his name. Perhaps she was a spy from the reforming Itex? He got into fighting stance, just in case.

"Relax Fang," she sighed, "I'm not a spy. I just thought you might want to read my list is all. I thought you might want to help me try some out. Oh, by the way, I'm Jess. I'm more commonly known as Ghost or Catapilla or Skyler though. My not-so-twin sister should be here anytime soon as well. I mean, you can't try these all out on your own, can ya?"

_This girl reminds me so much of Nudge_, Fang thought wryly. "Uh, sure, I'll help. Except, how are we going to get to Dylan," he said. Jess grinned mischievously at that.

"Oh, that's easy. I kidnapped him and I keep him in my little brother's underwear draw, except when I want to torture him."

"Umm...Ok..." What teenage girl keeps a clone-mutant-hybrid in her little brother's underwear drawer?

"JESS! I'M HOME! AND I BROUGHT SOMEONE TO HELP!" a voice yelled. In came a bright girl, who looked like Jess, except she had longer hair and braces.

She was followed by a tall girl with long dirty blonde hair. "Hey Yaya!" Fang swore he saw Jess's eye twitch.

"Hello Blondie," she shot back.

"I'M NOT A BLONDE! And when you said you kidnapped a fictional character, and kept him in your little brother's underwear drawer, I didn't believe you at first, but now I see you've lured another one in...oh geez, I really need to take care of my coffee addiction..." the blonde went on.

"Yeah, yeah, happy families and all that, but now I want to torture some bird-kid!" the Jess-look-a-like sighed.

"Sure. Guys, I want you to meet Fang-"

The two girls screamed at the top of their lungs in excitement.

"-yeah...anyway, he's here to help us torture Dylan. Fang, I want you to meet my twin Steph, or Tyler as she likes to be called; and my friend Chancy."

Fang nodded at the girls, but was still kind of freaked out.

"Umm, I may hate Dylan, but that's no reason to kill him," he said quietly. Steph made a tsk-ing noise and Jess rolled her eyes.

"Seeing as I'm not allowed to tell you that you're a fictional character, I'll tell it in a way you can understand: we- that is my friends and I- know everything that's happened to you so far, and what's _going_ to happen. And what I can tell is going to happen, is that now that you're gone, you've left the window open for Dylan, and eventually Max will start falling for him instead..."

Jess had no need to say any more. Fang already had a dark look in his eyes at the first mentioning of Dylan, but now it had escalated in pure hatred.

"Don't worry about us- my sister and probably Chancy too, absolutely LOVE seeing you two together, you and Max are like the ultimate couple, better than Romeo and Juliet!" Steph assured Fang.

He eventually agreed. Chancy cheered and then went to go get Dylan out of Jess's little brother's underwear drawer.

She returned with him trailing behind with one of those choker-chains they use on dogs around his neck. Chancy held the other end and kept tugging on it viciously.

"Ok, so which one shall we try first?" Steph asked.

"Let the guest of honour decide!" Jess said dramatically.

"Umm...how about number 10: _get Fang mad at him in a room full of sharp objects,"_ Fang said with an evil grin, "that looks like fun."

"It does..." Chancy said with an equally evil grin.

"Except how are we gonna get a room filled with sharp objects?" Steph asked. **(That's freaky: when I was reading this out to the real Steph, she asked the **_**exact**_** same question, before she read it...)**

Jess grinned, "With my mystical author powers, of course!" she answered and waved her hands. The next second, they were in a room filled with sharp and dangerous objects.

"You've _got_ to teach me how to do that!" Steph said in awe.

"Meh. When you write a story, you just manipulate it so it does what you want it to. That's generally how all stories work. If I wanted a pack of rainbow zebras to appear, I could just make them," Jess explained. She then grabbed the end of Dylan's leash.

"AURGH!"

"What was that?" Fang asked.

"...You know, I have no idea," Jess said. "Anywho, we'll be watching through there-"she pointed to where a window made of atomic-bomb-proof glass was. Through the glass you could see a row of seats and a popcorn stand. "We'll let you loose in here with Dylan; just remember what we said about him and Max..." Jess trailed off and then grabbed Steph's hand and ran into the mini movie theatre.

*To try and keep this fic PG-13, we've needed to cut the following scene. However, you can still enjoy the twins' reactions*

"ooh."

"Ah!"

"Eek!"

"That's gotta hurt!"

"Do you think he's dead yet?"

"Not yet...Ok, I think now he is..."

The twins left the theatre and walked back into the danger-room.

"Fang! Nice one!" Steph cheered.

"Booya!" Jess cried.

"Uh guys, we can only kill him once...and I kinda did that..." Fang grimaced. It was true he enjoyed murdering Dylan, but he wanted to do it again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again...and you get the picture.

"Don't worry! I kill him all the time! I just use my magical author powers to bring him back to life...hold on one second..." Jess said, smiling. "Bananas are yellow, my piano is mellow, please bring back this annoying fellow!" She waved her hands and multicoloured sparks trailed behind them. Dylan woke up, all wounds gone.

Fang raised his eyebrows and Steph looked at Jess sceptically. "What?" Jess asked, confused by their expressions

"Did you _have_ to do the whole rhyme-and-mystical-multicoloured-sparks thing did you?" Steph asked.

"No," Jess said simply.

"No?" Fang repeated.

"No. It's just more fun that way, don't you think?"

"Ooh! It is! Can I do it next time?" Steph asked, jumping up and down.

"Sure!"

"Oh geez," Fang muttered.

"Ok, so how are we gonna kill Dylan next?" Steph asked.

"You can choose," Jess said.

"Really? Cool. Ok, so we'll do number 20: _tell Fang's and Iggy's fangirls that Dylan killed them._"

"Oh, good one! Now all we need is one Iggy and one conveniently located public place."

"Ok, I'll get the Iggy, and you get the conveniently located public place!"

Fang just looked at the spot where the two girls had just been. This day could not get any weirder. Suddenly, he found himself standing in a big shopping centre. Jess, Steph, Dylan and Iggy were next to him.

"Where am I?" Iggy asked.

"Dunno Igs," Fang sighed.

"_I_ don't even know," Steph said, confused. The four looked to Jess.

"We're at the new Myer in Mackay. It's not actually completed yet, but in this universe, it is."

"Cool," Steph said.

"So here's the plan: I'll conjure up a stage and microphone, Steph, you can call out the bad news, Dylan, you can stand there looking dumb, and Fang and Iggy- you two lie around looking dead. Get it? Got it? Good." No sooner had Jess finished, when she had conjured up a big stage in the middle of the open area.

Steph walked up to the Mic, dragging Dylan behind her. Fang and Iggy looked at each other (or at least in their general direction), then slumped to the floor, looking dead.

"Hello people. I have some extremely bad news: Fang and Iggy have been murdered," Steph said into the mic.

The effect was instantaneous.

"NOOOO!"

"Why? WHY?"

"Not them! PLEASE NOT THEM!"

"WHO DID THIS? I'M GOING TO MURDER THEM!"

"HE DID THIS!" Steph yelled, pointing at Dylan. The screaming girls looked at him and charged.

"Aw man, I really wish I had my sight, just to see this!" Iggy whispered to Fang. Jess and Steph helped them back up to their feet. The four watched the show in amusement (or listened in Iggy's case).

Once the crowd had cleared, they could see exactly what the fangirls had done. All of Dylan's limbs and head were ripped off and they were all beaten to a bloody pulp.

"Cool," Steph sighed.

"Ok, Steph, do you want to do the honours?"

"Ok, sure! Violets are Red, and roses are blue. Bring Dylan back after round number two!"

"Nice," Jess said in approval.

Dylan appeared in the small group, his perfect skin unblemished and unscarred. "Ouch," he said.

"I thought roses were red and violets are blue?" Iggy asked.

"They are, it just sounds cooler the other way around," Steph replied.

"Guys, it's time to say goodbye to Iggy!" Jess said.

"Goodbye to Iggy," Fang said sarcastically. There was a small explosion, and then Iggy was gone.

"So, what are we going to do now?" Fang asked.

"My turn to pick, and I pick number 22: _tell the Volturi that Dylan is going to expose the vampires,"_ Jess said.

Steph jumped up and down. "Sweet! I've always wanted to go to Italy!"

"Ok, I don't feel like magicking us there, so let's take first-class.

*One extremely long first-class flight later*

"Ah, Italy. The home of pizza..." Fang sighed.

"Is that all you know about Italy?" Jess asked, raising an eyebrow.

Fang shrugged. "I was raised in a dog-crate. You can't blame me."

Once they exited the airport, they spotted a yellow Porsche. Jess ran up to it and picked the lock.

"Umm...this seems kind of familiar..." Steph said uncertainly, but hopped in shotgun. Fang sighed and dragged Dylan into the car. They sped off.

In the distance, they heard a faint "Dammit! I saw the Porsche would be here! We have to save Edward!"

"C'mon Alice!"

The four in the car exchanged glances. "Déjà vu much?" Steph finally said.

They sped along the highway towards Volterra. When they got there, people were milling around in red cloaks. They weaved through the crowds and reached the castle, just as it struck midday. There was a hot guy with no shirt standing on the steps. He slowly stepped into the sunlight and began to sparkle.

"Damn, New Moon hasn't happened yet. Whoops," Jess muttered, and pushed Edward back into the shade. "Listen here and listen good: Your precious Bella is still alive, so stop being such a drama queen," she snarled. Edward looked at her in fright, then ran back inside.

The four entered the castle behind him. Inside, there was a big muscled man, and two twelve-year-olds with red eyes waiting for them in the hallway.

"Hey Felix. JANE! ALEC!" Steph squealed, and Jess did the same. They ran up and hugged the vampire siblings.

"Hey Skye, Tye," Jane said smoothly. Fang raised his eyebrows, but didn't say anything at the two names the girls were just called.

"What are you guys doing here? And who's the emo?" Alec asked.

Jess scoffed. "Like you can talk, Alec. Oh, he's Fang. He's a good guy. But the other dude who is shackled up is the real reason why we're here. May we have an audience with Aro?" Jess asked.

Felix nodded. "Right this way." He led them down an elevator (with horrible _Italian_ elevator music), and into a reception area. Jess and Steph had expected to see Gianna, the beautiful human who worked with the vamps but instead, there was a short, chubby red-head, with freckles all over his face.

"Ranga?" Steph asked. Shaun looked up from what he was doing.

"Oh, hey Steph, hey Jess!" Shaun said excitedly.

"What are you doing here?" Jess exclaimed.

"I work here," he said, like it was obvious.

"Here? As in _here?_ As in, with the Volturi?" Steph asked.

"Well...yeah. I originally applied for a job at maccas, but they were out of jobs. But then they phoned me and said they had a well-paying job for me, serving food...just in Italy...and with Vampires! Oh, and guess what! They pay me in Pepsi! It's _so _cool!" Shaun went on.

Steph and Jess just stared at him. Then they remembered that they had to see Aro, and they shouldn't keep the Volturi waiting.

They entered the feeding hall, and Aro, Marcus, and Cauis were sitting their thrones, looking important. At their knees, was a girl with honey-orange hair, pleading with them.

"What the hell?" Steph asked, "Amy? What the frick are you doing?"

"Nothing," the girl called Amy replied, looking extremely guilty.

"What did you do?" Jess asked.

"Umm...I can't actually remember..." Amy said, looking puzzled. "Ooh! Abs..." Amy drooled, looking at Fang, who edged behind Jess, using her as a shield.

"Don't mind Amy, she just goes crazy when she sees hot guys," Jess said. "Hey Aro!"

"Welcome Skyler, and you too Tyler. And who are these fine young men?" Aro gestured to Dylan and Fang.

"I'm sorry to say that only one of these young men is _fine._ The other is the reason we're here," Steph explained.

"Yes. This is Fang-"

Two different things happened when Jess introduced the said bird-boy:

First, Amy shouted "OHMIGOD! _Swoon_..." and fainted.

And second, the Volturi members that were in the chamber laughed hysterically.

"...Yeah. Anyway, Fang2-D2 here is the good guy. Mr Perfect, AKA Dylan, is threatening to expose the vampire community."

"Ah, hello Dylan," Aro said coldly, holding his hand out for Dylan to shake. He did, and Jess using her magical author powers made sure Aro only saw the fake memories of plotting to expose vampires.

"JANE!" Aro yelled.

"Yes master?" the vampire asked.

"You know what to do."

*Again, to keep this fic relatively close to PG-13, we've had to cut out the torture scenes. That, and we don't want you trying out these techniques on your siblings. I don't want to be blamed for certain people going to prison.*

Let's just say what the Volturi did to Dylan was extremely painful.

"You know what I've been wondering? Well, if the vampires drank _human/random animal_ blood. What colour eyes would they have? Would they have red eyes 'cause of the human blood, or gold eyes 'cause of the animal blood? Or would they have _orange_ eyes?" Amy asked, recovering from her fainting spell.

"Honestly, I have no idea. It would depend of the majority of different DNA. If they had more human DNA, they would probably have red eyes; If they had more animal DNA, they'd probably have gold eyes...so I guess if they were fifty/fifty like erasers, then they'd probably get orange eyes," Jess explained.

Amy scrunched up her nose. "Stop being so god-damn smart!" she complained. Jess shrugged.

"You asked."

"You two, pay attention! The Volturi are done!" Steph said sharply.

"Ooh! Yay!" Jess squealed. When the small group looked to where Dylan _was_, all there was left was a pile of ashes.

"Ouch. Thanks Aro!" Jess called.

"No problem, Skyler! Visit soon!" Aro replied.

"We'll probably see each other at the big almost-battle in _Breaking Dawn_. Though, mind you, we'll probably be siding with the Cullens. Adios!" And they left the group of ancient vampires clueless and confused.

"Bye Ranga!" Steph and Amy said when they passed the receptionist.

"See ya!" the boy said cheerfully.

*Back on the plane to Australia*

Fang was attempting to sleep while the three girls caught up with each other.

"Hey, why did Aro call you two Skyler and Tyler?" Amy asked the two girls.

"That's who we're known as in the fictional community. Hey sis, I think I figured out what that _AURGH_ was earlier!" Steph said, completely changing the subject.

"What?" Jess asked.

"I think that was Chancy falling into a plot-hole!"

"Oh crap, she's gonna be so pissed!" Jess groaned.

"Wait, wait. Chenice?" Amy asked, confused.

"Yep. I promised her that she could help kill Dylan," Jess explained.

Steph started to look a bit worried. "We better get her out..."

"BAGS NOT DOING IT!" Amy yelled.

"BAGS NOT!" Steph said.

Jess groaned. "Fine..." She stood up and went to the front of the plane. A big black-hole opened up in front where she was standing, and they all heard screaming.

"I SWEAR! IF SOMEONE DOESN'T GET ME OUTTA HERE RIGHT NOW, THEY ARE GOING TO BE SORRY THEY WERE EVER BORN!"

Jess cringed and held her hand out, which the girl in the plot-hole grabbed. She heaved the girl out and the plot-hole closed.

"YOU GUYS-"

"You can choose the next way to kill Dylan," Jess said quickly. Immediately Chancy's personality changed.

"Ooh, yay!"

Fang, who had woken up just before Jess opened the plot-hole and had watched this exchange, raised an eyebrow. "Multiple personality disorder much?"

"At least you don't have to see her every day. Her moods are starting to give us whiplash!" Amy cried. Jess made her way back to her seat and put her seat in the lying down position. She then pushed the assistance.

A flight attendant came to where she was and stood in front of her. "How can I help you, ma'am?"

"Uh, do you have anything for whiplash?" Jess asked. Chancy scowled.

"Sure. I'll just be right back with some ice." The flight attendant walked back to the front of the plane.

"Very funny," Chancy growled.

"I know," Jess replied smugly. "Though, your face is funnier." Amy and Steph burst out laughing, and even Fang cracked a smile.

*Back in Australia*

"So Amy, do you want to bring Dylan back to life?" Jess asked.

"Umm, how do I do it?" the girl asked.

"Watch and learn," Jess replied, and proceeded to wave her hands in the air. "Shapes are shape-y, Stripes are stripe-y, dots are dot-y, so bring Dylan back to life-y!" There was a round of fireworks, a round of applause, and a round of drinks. Dylan appeared after they were finished.

"Uh, I think I liked your other one better," Steph said.

"Yeah, I agree. That one was crap," Jess said. "So which one do you choose, Chancy?"

"_64. At night, dye his hair black and when he wakes up, read him nonstop emo poetry. It'll be his own personal hell and in the end he'll just kill himself_ ...though I want to add my own touch: also having him listen to my favourite music!" Chancy yelled.

"Ok. You guys, here," Jess said to Fang, Steph and Amy, and handed them earplugs. "You're gonna need these." She then conjured up more armchairs and a snack-bar, like the kind you get at movies.

Chenice whipped out her iPod and put it on the docking station. Jess groaned. "If you're wondering, her favourite band is Evanescence..." The other three winced.

"_Two shots of hate from a mouth as loud as a gun-"_

*To prevent depression and suicide, we must cut out these next few minutes. I'm really not in the mood for lawsuits for Christmas*

In the end, Dylan strangled himself to death. Chancy put down the book of emo poetry and turned off her iPod. "That was fun!"

"Right..." Fang said.

"Anyway, can I bring Dylan back to life now?" Amy asked.

"Sure," Jess said.

"Sa-weet. Christmas is fun, Sugar is yum, Dylan is a bastard who thinks death is dumb!" She waved her hands and did a weird dance thing around his body. Dylan's eyes slowly opened.

"Wha-what happened?" he asked.

"You committed suicide by strangling yourself," Steph said matter-of-factly.

"Ok guys, that's enough killing Dylan for today. We can do some more tomorrow. We don't want to over-use him and he dies for good," Jess said sternly.

"Aw, you're no fun!" Amy cried.

"We can have a slumber-party at my place."

"Ok, now you're fun-er," Amy said reluctantly.

"Good. Fang, you're welcome to stay..."

Fang looked thoughtful for a moment. "Fine. I don't have anywhere else to go. Besides, today was fun."

"Cool. Chancy: please put Dylan back in my little bro's underwear drawer!" Jess commanded.

"Aye aye captain!" Chancy saluted, and put the chocker chain back around Dylan, then led him back into Jess' little bro's room.

"Ok Amy, do you want to invite anyone?" Jess asked.

"Anyone? Anyone at all? Even fictional characters?" Amy squealed.

"Even fictional characters," Jess confirmed.

"YES! I want Jacob!" Amy yelled. Jess sighed.

"...Fine. Jacob?" Jess called, and suddenly the werewolf in question was standing beside her.

"Hey Skye, hey Tye. Wassup?" Jacob asked.

"Nothing. We just want you over for an awesome as slumber party," Steph explained.

_So that night, the four girls, the werewolf and the avian-American spent the night partying. They even got Fang to laugh. They all promised to meet up this time next year to kill Dylan over and over again. And they lived happily ever after._

**Me: OMG I remember that day! It was fun!**

**Dylan: yeah, for you.**

**Me: Don't worry, I will keep writing this list and making more bonus chapters. I'm thinking of having the flock find this list...what do you think?**

**Dylan: will you listen to my opinion?**

**Me: we all have an opinion, yours is just stupid!**

**Dylan: ...That's what I thought.**

**Me: oh, about the random Jacob thing at the end, I promised Amy that she could have her Jacob in this fic**

**Dylan: ...**

**Me: ...**

**Dylan: Shut up!**

**Me: I didn't say anything...**

**Dylan: y-y-you didn't start reciting emo poetry?**

**Me: ...no**

**Dylan: AURGH! NO nonononono NO! **

**Me: heh, look at that. All chancy's emo poetry made an impact...please R&R?**


End file.
